


With You, Anywhere Will Be My Home

by taegiradar



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: 3+1, Bang Chan is Whipped, Canon Compliant, Feelings, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, M/M, Not Beta Read, One Shot, Tagged Teen and Up For Swearing, chan pov, they have a fight, they swear alot in this haha, uhm idk its 7am i havent slept
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-14 18:46:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29050872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taegiradar/pseuds/taegiradar
Summary: The 3 times Felix expressed his love for Chan, and the 1 time Chan said it back.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix
Comments: 24
Kudos: 187





	With You, Anywhere Will Be My Home

**one.**

It all started because back when Chan was in Australia, he never really cared for dressing up. Fashion never really interested him in general, and he believed that as long as it kept him comfortable, it’s all he really needed. He would choose the simplest of designs whenever he went shopping (which wasn’t even that often, now that he thinks about it), and it just so happens that most of the pieces he picked up would be in the colour black. He never did intend his wardrobe to be filled with a single colour (or, more so the lack of it) - but it just happened. It also made things easier on the days he would wake up late and had to throw on the closest thing he could find. It was bound to match.

So when he moved to South Korea at the ripe age of 13, he never bothered changing that. And even as he grew older, met people who took fashion very seriously - he never changed. Even when he was more financially stable to explore the expansive world of styling, he didn’t. Didn’t see the need to, and frankly has grown too attached to the colour to want to. It was becoming almost like a sense of comfort to him, a single consistency in his life that he can (mostly) control. So he holds onto it, gripping at it like it’s the last piece of his life in Australia.

So it’s almost destined, that the person who managed to break that grip is none other than Lee Felix himself.

  
  


***

  
  


“Hyung?”

Chan tears his gaze away from the tv screen, looking over at Felix who is standing at the end of the sofa, eyes locked to the floor.

“Lix? What’s up?” He picks up the remote to switch the tv off, eyes not leaving Felix. He pats the space next to him, inviting Felix over even though he knows he doesn’t need to. (Felix will always come to him.)

Felix is nervous. Chan can tell in the way he’s slower in his reactions, in the way his fingers are tapping a haphazard rhythm on the side of the paper bag that he just realised he’s holding. He can see it in the way Felix’s smile is more uneasy than anything.

“Everything okay, little one?” He gives a few small reassuring pats on Felix’s head, something that he is certain will let him know he shouldn’t be so tense.

Felix finally looks at Chan, and the little birdy in his heart starts to sing a soft tune.

“I’m fine. Everything’s alright, hyung. You don’t have to immediately assume something’s wrong, you know.” Felix chuckles, but it’s muffled in a way that makes it seems unsure.

“Then why are you so nervous?” Chan has a suspicion that it has something to do with the paper bag, but none of his guesses of what’s inside made any sense. Nothing would explain why Felix felt so afraid to give it to him.

Felix sighs, like he just gave himself a silent pep talk. “I got you something.”

Chan guessed this, but is still surprised when he’s proven right. “Oh.” He receives the gift from Felix’s outstretched hands, and places it on his lap. “What’s this for?”

His birthday is 5 months away. His anniversary of coming to Korea was 3 months ago. Chan didn’t think Felix would remember the exact date  _ they _ met. (Even if he did, that’s in 53 days. It couldn’t be.)

It’s not like surprise presents from Felix are unheard of. In fact, the other members have plenty of stories to tell of how Felix got them something they’ve always wanted, on random days over the many years they’ve known each other. It’s just - surprise presents from Felix to  _ Chan _ ? Now that’s new.

“I just... thought of you when I saw it. I thought maybe you would like it.” Felix is picking at his nails, a bad habit Chan has tried to get him out of. He doesn’t chide him for it this time.

It isn’t a secret that Felix places great importance on the things he gives Chan. He would constantly remind Chan that he  _ has _ to repay him for helping him out so much during trainee days till now - even after the many times Chan has reminded Felix that he doesn’t  _ owe _ him anything. Chan did all that,  _ keeps doing _ all that because he wants to. Because he cares for Felix (and the other kids), and his biggest goal is to see them grow, prosper and continue to have a smile on their faces whilst navigating through life. The smiles that Chan loves so much.

And yet, Felix still wants to give back. He wants to make sure every gift for Chan is absolutely perfect - or there’s no point giving it at all.

Chan reaches into the bag, heart pounding louder than it should be. He feels the soft material first, and he immediately knows it’s a piece of clothing.

It’s a simple crew-neck sweater, something that Chan would easily wear. It looks just the right size, slightly oversized so Chan can feel extra comfortable in it. He checks the label, and it’s Assembly Label. An Australian brand Chan knows very well.

It’s comfortable, it’s good quality and it’s perfect - but it’s not black.

Instead, it’s a soft, natural cream. On the other end of the colour spectrum of Chan’s current wardrobe. It’ll be the only non-black piece of clothing in there, as silly as that sounds.

It’s the first colour in Chan’s life.

The worry in Felix explodes tenfold when he notices the lack of response from Chan. “If you don’t like it - like the colour, I can just exchange it. I can get you this other one I saw- it’s black, don’t worry and-”

“Felix.” 

Felix doesn’t hear him. “I’m so sorry if you hate it, I really should’ve gotten the other one, what was I thinking getting you this out of nowhe-”

“ _ Felix! _ ”

He finally shuts his jaw, eyes wide, and looks at Chan like he felt guilty for doing something  _ wrong _ .

“You know I don’t only wear black, right? When the stylists put me in anything I just wear it, no matter what colour, right?” Chan tries to explain.

Felix takes a deep breath, one long overdue. “Yeah, but that’s the stylists. You don’t own anything like this. Hyung, your entire wardrobe looks like an abyss. You don’t  _ do _ colour.”

Chan pauses for a while. He lets his thoughts whir, and lets the buzzing of the surrounding environment consume them for a few seconds.

“But what if I want to?” His own question surprises him. It’s stepping out of his comfort zone, it’s doing something he never dared to do since he stepped foot in this country a whole decade ago. It seems so silly, now that Chan thinks about it. That he got so dependant on a fucking  _ colour _ .

It just seems fitting that Felix’s the one to bring him out of that dependence.

“I love this, Felix. I genuinely do. It’s pretty, it reminds me of home - reminds me of  _ you _ \- and it’s super comfortable.” He makes a point to hold it tight against his chest, nice and close. “Thank you. I can’t wait to wear it.”

And 3 days later, when Chan finally has time and reason to go out, he passes by Felix in the living room, and they smile. Felix, a grin stretching across his face and eyes sparkling. Chan, gentle but knowing smirk on his face, and body clad with the one and only cream sweater.

“It looks good.” Felix comments.

Chan’s smile brightens. “Thank You.”

  
  


***

  
  


**two**

Chan shouldn’t be this upset about it. Actually, he shouldn’t even be thinking twice about it. People act differently around different people. That’s just how humans work.

So why, he asks, does he find himself obsessing over the simple fact that Felix cuddles with everyone but him? Why does he feel his heart hallow out whenever he merely thinks about it? Why does he feel like he’s missing an integral part of life, just because he isn’t getting hugged by Felix as he falls asleep at night?

It’s ridiculous. It’s stupid. It’s getting in the way of any kind of productive work Chan should be doing.

But it’s present. That hurt, that confusion, that fear - it’s all real. Even if it feels like the dumbest thing on earth, it’s still something he’s going through.

And he knows he can’t just ignore that. Especially when it’s been going on for a week, already.

“You know it’s probably because you used to shy away from physical touch, right?” Changbin points out, always the voice of reason.

They’re in the studio, just the two of them, and Chan has not been able to complete any of the tracks they planned on working on today. He kept insisting he was fine, that nothing was wrong - but Changbin has always been the smartest when getting Chan to open up.

What Changbin said makes sense. Yet - “Yeah, but I  _ used _ to. I show enough affection to you guys now, right? He can’t possibly think I still hate skinship. I hug you guys every other hour.” Slightly over-exaggerated, but still all the same.

“You used to be harsher on him too. Maybe he’s just used to being warier of you.” Changbin closes his notebook, knowing this is going to be a long conversation. “He doesn’t mean to, but it’s probably so ingrained into him that he doesn’t even realise he’s doing it.”

Changbin makes sense, once again. But Chan still has a million questions in his mind.

“He doesn’t realise he literally sleeps with everyone  _ but me _ ?”

Changbin lets out a surprised cough. “P-Please don’t say it like that. I assure you, he doesn’t ‘sleep with’ any of us. He loves you, you know that right?”

Chan knows. Of course, Felix loves him. He loves everyone. He’s someone so full of love it overflows out of him in waves. Of course, Chan knows.

And yet - “It doesn’t feel like it.”

Changbin rolls his eyes, baffled at Chan’s absurdity. “You’re just being dramatic and unreasonable now. Just talk to him about this, please? You know he’ll listen to you.”

Chan nods. He does know that. Felix is great at listening to Chan. He listens to Chan’s worries, to his mindless rants about anything and everything, and even to the times Chan doesn’t actually say anything.

“How should I bring it up, though? That seems likes an awkward conversation to have.” Chan looks at Changbin with desperation in his eyes.

Changbin looks at the clock in the studio and realises it’s almost dinner time.

“Go. Go now, invite Felix out for dinner at a restaurant that’s not in this damn building, and talk to him then.” Changbin moves to start physically pushing Chan towards the door.

“Wh-What? Now?” Chan is confused, but he still grabs his wallet and phone. The rest he can come back for later. “Isn’t that too sudden?”

Changbin finally gets him to step outside the studio, and he makes a dramatic scene of it being the most difficult thing he’s ever done. “If you don’t fix this now, we’ll never make another song ever again. So go talk to him, answer all the questions in that damn head of yours, and only come back once you know we can do our jobs again.”

And with that, the studio door closes in Chan’s face, and he has no other choice but to comply.

It can’t be that hard, right?

  
  


***

  
  


“You okay there, Chris?” Felix has the habit of calling him that, whenever they are alone like this. Felix calls them ‘dates’, and Chan can’t quite place why that makes his heart full and shaky at the same time.

Chan hums something noncommittal, and continues to take another bite of the noodles.

“You’ve been really spaced out recently. You wanna talk about it?”

A perfect entry. An opportunity for Chan to finally get this off his chest.

He almost doesn’t. But then he thinks about the pile of unfinished tracks on his desktop, and bites the bullet.

“Why don’t you cuddle me?”

Felix’s eyebrows furrow, and he tilts his head in confusion. It reminds Chan of a little cat. “What do you mean?”

“When we filmed for that One-Kids Room thing. The other members mentioned how you always cuddled with them in bed, especially after having serious talks and stuff…” Chan’s voice reduces to a mumble, ears going slightly red from the embarrassment.

Felix nods, showing he’s following along. He had a hunch they would’ve talked about something like that, given the questions the staff asked him. “And?”

Chan bites his lip, hard enough to hurt. “You realise you don’t do that with me, right? Like. Even when we have our talks and all… You always go back to your own bed.”

Felix takes a few seconds to let the words sink in. He leans back in his chair, and it really looks like Felix  _ just _ realised he does this (or more specifically, doesn’t).

“Oh.” It’s Felix’s turn to feel shy now. “I didn’t notice that, I swear. Sorry about it.”

That should be enough. That should settle Chan’s heart enough for him to continue on with life.

But it doesn’t.

“Why, though? Why don’t you treat me the same way you treat the rest?”

Did he do something wrong? Did he scar Felix that much that Felix doesn’t feel comfortable enough with him? But they spent so much time together - Chan has made it a point to always tell Felix how much he loves him (like a brother, he swears) and how glad he is to have him by his side, so how does Felix still feel like this-

“You’re different, Chris.”

Chan’s thoughts halt. They stay in the air, left unanswered. Chan leaves them there.

He doesn’t know exactly what Felix means by different. He doesn’t dare ask.

(Scared of what it can be, or what it’s not - he isn’t sure.)

“Well, just. Just know that I’m okay with it now, alright? Like you can crash on my bed, any time.”

Chan takes a sip of his water, relief for his dry throat.

“Okay.” Is all Felix says, small smile playing on his lips.

That night, Felix climbs into Chan’s bed, and it’s awkward and uncomfortable and so  _ new _ , that Chan thinks maybe it was a big mistake.

But then Felix lays his head on Chan’s chest, and suddenly everything fits. On his small top bunk, surrounded by a wall of pillows, Felix falls asleep in Chan’s arms, and Chan has the best sleep he’s had in months.

It’s only the morning after that he realises they didn’t actually have a long, emotional talk just before sleeping. That Felix didn’t need to feel entirely drained like all the times with the others, in order to melt into Chan’s hold and lay there like he was always meant to be.

He guesses he  _ is _ different, after all.

  
  


***

  
  


**three**

It’s normal for the kids to ask him for tracks, to come to Chan for anything production-related, eyes eager and excitement radiating off their very beings. Chan loves that he’s the one they come to, that even with the plenty number of other equally talented producers a phone call away, they choose him. He guesses it’s because they’re already so close, so it feels less like a job and more like a small favour. He finds comfort in the way they have confidence in him, to make their own ideas and visions come alive. He finds comfort in the way he’s the one they rely on. He finds pride in it, even.

That’s why, when he finds out from another producer that Felix went to her to ask for a track, Chan feels a sense of betrayal.

Of course, it’s perfectly fine to ask for tracks from the others. Like he said, they’re equally, if not even more skilled than Chan is. It’s perfectly fine to ask them, especially when Chan has been extra busy nowadays.

But Felix?

He thought their relationship got a lot better. Ever since they started opening up more, and ever since Felix started spending every other night in Chan’s bed, he thought their bond has gotten impossibly stronger. Strong enough for Felix to maybe even  _ mention _ to Chan that he wants a track done.

Chan would’ve done it for Felix. In a heartbeat.

So when he returns to the dorm and finds Felix writing lyrics on his phone while sitting on their dining table, he bursts.

“Do you not trust me?” Chan starts out. Probably not the best idea, and probably said a lot harsher than it should be, but Chan can’t get himself to stop.

The ugly feeling in his chest grows, slowly entangling its vines on the edges of Chan’s heart.

Felix looks up, surprised at his sudden question. “I do trust you, hyung. What’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong? What’s wrong is that even after how much we’ve grown closer in the past few months, you still somehow don’t trust me enough to ask me for things? Things that I can easily, would have easily done for you?” His breathing is rapid, and he feels his palms get sweaty.

The grating sound of Chan’s angry voice scratches at Felix’s ears, making him flinch. Chan isn’t usually like this.

“Hyung, what in the world are you talking about?” Felix stands up now, leaving his phone on the table, notes app still open. He hates feeling this kind of small, so he makes sure Chan isn’t  _ at least _ talking down to him.

“What else, Felix?! Why do you not trust me enough, after all we’ve been through, to make a fucking track for you? That’s what I  _ do _ ! And even if you didn’t want me to do it, you could’ve at least fucking told me about it?”

Chan hasn’t sworn this much and this angrily in so long. He left that side of him behind when he debuted. He promised himself to never be like this ever again. He hates what it can cause.

“The track? That’s what all this shouting is about? Hyung, you’re always so busy with our own group projects. Changbin hyung told me you just made him one. I know Hyunjin is planning to ask you too.” Felix can’t believe he’s fighting with Chan, late at night, with the other members probably listening from their rooms. “Fuck, I’m  _ sorry _ for thinking about you and trying to make your life a little bit easier! What a fucking crime, isn’t it?”

Chan stares at him, gaze cold but mostly because of the hurt than actual hatred for Felix. He could never hate Felix.

“Listen-”

Felix interrupts him before he can continue. “No,  _ you _ listen. Is it really so bad? To care about you like this?” Felix hates how much his heart hurts. “Is it so bad to want you to sleep easier at night? Is it so bad to want you to get some fucking rest, once in a while?!”

And then he draws his bow, aims - and releases.

“Is it a fucking sin to  _ love _ you, hyung?”

The silence that consumes them is like a wave from the darkest sea. Chan doesn’t know what to say.

Felix is staring at him, staring at him with the same hurt he’s been trying to avoid him from ever feeling. Felix is crying, tears escaping even with the clenched jaw and sharp eyes. Felix is in pain, and Chan’s the one who caused it.

“Lix-”

“Fucking save it. I’m not talking to you when you’re like this.” Felix walks out, straight into their shared room. He doesn’t lock the door, so Chan knows he can still climb into his own bed if he wanted to.

He doesn’t feel like he physically can.

A buzz on the table sounds, and only then does Chan realise that Felix left his phone here. He should give it back, maybe leave it on the floor outside the room.

He picks it up, and forgets that he’s registered in Felix’s Face ID. The phone unlocks, showing Chan the note Felix was just working on before he came in. The lyrics are in Korean and English, probably enough to be a verse and pre-chorus.

He doesn’t read it, because he’s already made one too many mistakes today. But just before he locks the phone again, the title of the page catches his eyes.

His blood runs cold, and Chan feels like the single most shittest person on the planet.

At the top, in slightly bigger and bold font, reads two words.

‘For Chris’.

The song was for him. That’s why Felix didn’t want to ask Chan to do it. That’s why he didn’t even mention it to him.

It was supposed to be a surprise. A heartfelt declaration of love, for the love they both have but never fully acknowledged for years.

And Chan just fucking ruined it.

  
  


***

  
  


**\+ one**

The days that follow are tense. Not just in the dorm, but during shoots, the dance practices, and even in the damn studio where Felix is nowhere near.

Chan thought the week of worrying about Felix not being affectionate with him was bad. Now he’s worried about Felix not  _ loving _ him, on top of the pain and regret he feels about his own actions. All because what, Chan couldn’t handle not being the center of Felix’s world for once in his life? That he was unnecessarily jealous and insecure because he realised Felix isn’t actually his?

Chan knows he has to apologise. He knows he has to make this right, has to mend whatever’s left of their relationship. He wanted to do it, the morning after. He had an entire speech ready, since he couldn’t sleep a wink that night. He was ready, words on the tip of his tongue when he heard the bedroom door open. But then he saw Felix.

Felix looked horrible. Sure, Felix had his bad days, too. Days where his hair doesn’t flow just right, days where the cheeks are puffier than wanted. But this - this is different.

This is bloodshot eyes and dark eye bags. This is the complete drainage of any life in him. This is Felix’s spark, his inner sunshine, no longer casting its rays on the world.

So Chan kept quiet. He gave Felix space, gave Felix time. He didn’t want to make an already horrible situation even worse.

So it comes as a surprise, that Felix is the one to sit Chan down first.

Felix rubs his eye, only irritating it even more. Chan wants to grab his hand to stop him from doing it. But he doesn’t think he’s even allowed to. They’re sat at the dining table, and Chan feels a horrible sense of Deja Vu course through him.

“Hyung, that night was-”

This time, Chan interrupts Felix. Doesn’t really mean to, at first - but he feels the burning need to explain himself. To get words out before Felix can even think of apologising. (Because he knows he will.)

“I saw your lyrics.” Not quite. “I saw that you made a song for me.” He settles with. He gets it out quickly, not wanting to waste more time. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, Lix and I know that’s not enough, but if it helps, nothing that happened has changed the fact of the matter to me.”

His heart is racing and he’s more nervous than when he auditioned for the company a lifetime ago.

“You read it?” Felix looks more disappointed, than anything. Like he’s sad he can’t surprise Chan now. (Chan hopes it’s disappointment. Because that’d mean the feelings behind the lyrics remain.)

“Just the title.” Chan admits. He feels like a kid confessing to breaking his mother’s favourite vase.

Felix sighs, but he doesn’t seem mad. Actually, he never actually looked mad at Chan. Disappointed, sure. Upset? Definitely. But never mad.

Anger is a scary emotion Chan hopes he never gets to experience first hand from Felix.

“You know what this all means, right?”

For once in Chan’s life, he’s not as dense as everyone keeps saying he is. For once, Chan sees exactly what Felix is trying to say, even after the unfortunate series of events.

“I do. And like I said earlier, it doesn’t change the fact of the matter to me.” Deep breaths. He can do this. “T-That I love you.”

Felix pauses. “Love me? In what way, hyung? Are you going to tell me you love me like a little brother again? Because if you are, I’m ending this conversation right now.”

Chan guesses he deserves that doubt. He never paid attention to his own feelings, to realise how much his vagueness was affecting Felix. “Definitely not in that way.”

It’s his turn to pick at his nails now. But this time, Felix playfully slaps his hands away, and instead intertwines their fingers together. Comforting. Grounding. 

“In the way I want to fall asleep while counting the freckles on your face every night. In the way I want to wake up to you by my side every morning, and shower you with kisses just because I can. In the way I want to plan a future with you, have a dog with you, live in a forever home with you.”

Chan knows he’s crying happy tears. The internal sunshine of Felix starts to wake once again.

“I love you, with all my heart and soul, Felix. No more doubting, no more pretending, none of that bullshit.” And with a squeeze each time, he emphasizes his next words. “I’m in love with you.”

The worry that Felix wouldn’t still love him disappears like it never existed. Not when Felix looks at him like this. Like he’s already got a 15 step plan for their future. Like Chan is always going to be the planet that revolves around Felix. That Chan is his everything, the same way Felix is Chan’s all or nothing.

“Well, that’s good. Because I’m in love with you too, hyung.” Easy, like it always should have been.

Felix gets up from his side of the table, and Chan’s heart picks up speed with every step towards him. He moves out, to make space for him. Felix puts his legs at the side of Chan’s and lands on his lap, as if pulled into Chan’s gravity. Chan loves feeling the weight of Felix on him like this. He thinks maybe he’ll ban Felix from sitting on anything that isn’t Chan’s lap. Not when they fit perfectly like this.

“Hey, you.” Chan says, eyes wet but smile still ever present.

“Hey yourself.” Felix replies, the smile on his lips putting all the stars to shame.

And slowly, Felix lets himself be pulled in further, closer and closer and closer until finally -  _ finally _ Felix reaches Chan’s core.

The second their lips meet, Chan knows he’s never going to let this go. That now he has a taste of Felix, of his lips, his smile on his own - he can never go back. It’s impossible to.

They kiss and the last lingering feelings of uneasiness in their chests dissipate into the air. They find certainty in each other, the kind that anchors deep in both their hearts, unimaginable to anyone outside these two souls.

They break apart, and Chan looks at Felix and gets overwhelmed with just how much he fucking  _ loves _ him.

“I’ll do anything for you. Absolutely anything.”

Felix eyes turn into crescents, he’s smiling so wide.

“Anything?” There’s a hint of playfulness in his voice, one that Chan knows all too well.

Chan nods, and plays along. “Anything.”

“Well… If you say so… You know, I’ve always loved you with blonde hair.”

Chan laughs. Felix joins. It’s lighthearted and silly.

But Chan meant what he said. He wants Felix to know this, in his heart. Not a single space for a hint of doubt.

The day after, when Chan comes back home after a rushed appointment at the hair salon, he doesn’t regret it one bit.

Not when Felix stops dead in his tracks, mouth wide open in shock, and the brightest his eyes have ever shined.

“ _ BANG CHRISTOPHER CHAN! _ ”

And he laughs, big and loud, the way Chan swears on his life he’ll always strive to be the cause of.

Because Felix changed Chan in all the ways he needed.

Because Felix loves Chan in a way he’s never going to feel deserving of.

Because he loves Felix with every part of him that exists.

And nothing is ever going to change that.

**Author's Note:**

> it's 7am i've been dealing with intense writers block for a week and i finally got this out in 4 hours god help me
> 
> (title from home by bts. i had the album on repeat the entire time.)
> 
> say hi on [twitter](https://twitter.com/eternitytrack) or [cc](https://curiouscat.qa/eternitytrack).


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